vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
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It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps