Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
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I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something