[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
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peep davidson
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!