I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
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Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Challenge accepted.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Jail
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.