I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
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If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed