Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
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Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.