Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
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If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
what does he know…
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers