Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
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When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
umm…
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.