When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
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*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever