when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
If looks could kill
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.