Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.