*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
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Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”