I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
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A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
She puts the hot in psychotic
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero