[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
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Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
🤔😂😂
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦