What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
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smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.