[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
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My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.