My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
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Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”