*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
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When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.