true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
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DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre