*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
white people love ordering something that鈥檚 meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they鈥檒l find the victim鈥檚 DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
SHE SAID YES!! 馃槏馃槏馃槏馃拲馃拲馃拲 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I鈥檒l write I鈥檒l write I鈥檒l write.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.