If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
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I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
How do you milk an almond?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.