SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF