gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
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*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Sheep
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!