me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.