*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
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[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
And bowling should be called pinball
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.