Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
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Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Strange
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”