[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
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I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime