“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
mentally somewhere in italy
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.