Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
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Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I need better friends
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend