there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
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at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.