This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
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I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
☠️☠️☠️
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.