Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
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I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid