My hips? Compulsive liars.
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ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Don’t we all.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.