My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
My typo game is string.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.