Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
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Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Children of the corn 🌽
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.