One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code