I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
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daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it