“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
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People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
it must be school picture day
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.