When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
where do you see yourself in five years?
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.