I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
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3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.