We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
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Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.