The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Oh the world we live in…
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow