“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color