I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
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Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.