I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
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asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Always.
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No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.