Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
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Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I can fix him.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea