Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
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SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.