After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
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ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
plums roundup
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.