Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
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guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.