BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
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Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.